Breaking Up on Valentine’s Day

AJ Stellar and Henry Yeary, Videographers

Are you in a rut? Your partner getting you down? Is all the love and romance in the air just sickening you? ‘Tis the season of St. Valentine? Many naive adolescents believe the true meaning of Valentine’s Day is to express affection and active stimulation towards their lover. The romance that is associated with this holiday is a common misconception that has somehow gravely infected our current society. The widely accepted celebration of St. Valentine has been altered with each generation. The true meaning has been lost.

Our story begins in the year 4 AD, in a small village on the outskirts of Ancient Mesopotamia. Gilgamesh had recently been democratically elected Prime Minister, and ancient marijuana had just been legalized. Doris Burke was nine and half months pregnant when she watched her husband admire himself in the mirror for the last time. Without saying a word, she swiftly grabbed her belongings and headed out the sliding glass door of the hut. She never saw her husband again.

Burke gave birth to her beautiful son two days later. She named him Valentine. Growing up, Valentine Burke was always picked on. He was always last kid chosen when the others picked teams for chariot racing and basketball. He had an abnormally large head, and had earned the nickname “Abnormally-Large-Headed-Kid”. Lastly, he never believed in love. That is until, he met Kassandra.

They met at the local 24 Hour Fitness, and the connection was instantaneous. She was on the treadmill, he was on the elliptical, and the song playing in the background was “Low” by the Grandelius Flo Rida. He worked up all his courage and approached the young beauty.

“Great weather we’re having.”

“Yep,” she responded seductively.

After that, he went back to the gym day after day, hoping to see her. Their secret rendezvous at the gym quickly blossomed into a loving relationship. They picnicked under the breathtaking view of the Mesopotamian night sky, as he pointed out the constellations of Orion and Cassiopeia. They went to Ikea and pretended to be a married couple, shopping for their new two bedroom apartment flat. And he dressed in a trench coat, holding a boombox under her window that played “In Your Eyes”.

Life seemed perfect for Valentine Burke, he had just reached Saint status (but that’s a story for another time), and soon, he realized that he didn’t just like her, he didn’t just like like her. When he was with her, the world stopped spinning, time froze, and nothing else mattered. She taught him how to love.

If our story ended here, then the current Valentine’s Day traditions of chocolate, hearts, and flowers would be appropriate. Unfortunately, this story does not have a happy ending.

Just as St. Valentine learned to love, he learned to hate. On February sixteenth, his one year anniversary with Kassandra, he came home with chocolates, flowers, and a ring. But instead of the warm welcome he had expected, he got something much worse. Kassandra dumped Valentine, forgetting that it was their anniversary, then changed her facebook status to single an hour later, he was stalking her page.

For the first century following this day, the world celebrated Valentine’s Day with contempt. People broke up with their significant others, and gave each other mud instead of chocolate, weeds instead of roses, gift cards instead of jewelry. The rise of consumerism and materialism has transformed the once historical holiday into a phony celebration for phony people.

So, if your relationship isn’t working out, and you can’t stand the thought of another day with your partner, do not listen to your “friends” who tell you to wait until after Valentine’s Day. Do not listen to them say it is “heartless” or “cruel” to dump someone on Valentine’s Day. In fact, if you do, you will be the one staying true to the holiday.

As for the “how to break up with someone” you read in the title, it is really quite simple. Just tell them: “It’s not me, it’s you.”