A Follow Up: Being a Senior with ED Decisions Around the Corner

Last week I wrote an article while anticipating college decisions titled “Being a Senior with ED Decisions Around the Corner”. For those of you who have not read it, I talked about the role social media plays in the 2020 college process added to the “toxic” and “cutthroat” — quoted from a variety of students in the senior class — culture at the School surrounding the college process. While we are all aware of this so-called “toxic” environment surrounding the college process, it was crazy to read all the survey answers from seniors detailing their views on the process.

I wrote said article as I awaited the release of decisions from my top school, the one I decided to apply Early Decision to (meaning if I get in, I am legally required to attend). Shortly after that article was published, I opened my computer and counted down the seconds till the link was live. With my fingers trembling, I clicked the link and to my disappointment, I was flat out rejected. 

Not waitlisted.

Not deferred.

Rejected.

With a message about how “they are sorry to deliver disappointing news” and that “they thank me for my application and wish me the best.” Now, not surprisingly, this hurt. Even with this school being a “reach” — not easy to get into but worth a shot — I had the expectation that moments after clicking the link I would be jumping for joy and buying college swag. 

But that was not the case. No cheering, no jumping for joy. I sulked for a bit, obviously upset at what I considered my failure. But after dinner, ice cream, and some distractions, I had tuned out the looming feeling of failure.

I had told a lot of my friends that I was receiving my decision soon and slowly started updating those I felt would support me, all of which sent me loving messages about how awesome I am and how any school is lucky to have me. While I wasn’t entirely at peace, I was certainly feeling a step or two closer.

Then I got a text from a friend noting that seniors were posting their friends’ college decisions. That week, I made the decision to delete all forms of social media in order to find more balance in my life. But I had a cruel sense of curiosity overwhelm me, and I redownloaded Instagram. I swiped through story after story until I found posts about college. I’m not sure whether I was doing this to add more fuel to my pity party, to compare myself with those who got in, or to see who posted about friends even after we had a long conversation with the College Counseling Office (the CCO) about the potential harms in posting. I ended up doing all three, and in turn just felt even worse about myself.

Yet I was feeling something much more complicated. I felt an odd mix of spite, sadness, and joy. I first found myself getting very toxic. It was my knee-jerk reaction to screenshot the post of others to both note who posted, and compare myself to them. But even then, it was hard to be spiteful of those who posted or sad with myself, as I was filled with joy — almost pride — when looking at the sheer accomplishment of the few seniors whose decisions were posted online. I think there is something powerful in that.

Recently I have been feeling powerful in the sense that I am learning what is in my control. I felt I was wasting my days, so I deleted social media; I felt trapped inside, so I made it a part of my routine to go on a dog walk and read every few days. I think we so often feel defeated by what seems out of our control, but, in reality, is perfectly within reach.

I remember how, before distance learning, people would talk about how they hated the culture at the School. We would say: I hate how toxically competitive the academics are, I hate the nature of complaining that fills our school, I hate how divided our grade is, etc, etc. And I truly mean “we”, as nearly all students at the School have had these types of conversations.

But here is what I am realizing about control: It is in all of our power to uphold or change a culture, especially one as small as the School. If we hate how toxic the academics are at times, we must reflect on what we add to it. 

For me, I used to be so quick to ask about the grades of my peers and then compare mine. I used this as a competition, one that fueled my ego when I did better, and made me feel horrible about myself when I did worse. So, why did I ask? Honestly, it beats me. Because I so actively say I hate the competitive culture and then proceed to throw myself smack-dab in the middle of it. By doing so, I drag other people into the culture I despise. 

So I stopped.

That easy. While I may still ask how the exam went, it is not with the intention of comparison. And guess what? In doing so, I am doing my part to improve the culture that I dislike at the School.

While not all things are that simple, there are parts of the culture that are well within our power to change. Culture and environment are from individuals and our actions. So what happens if the majority of us tweak these actions? The culture and environment shift to one that we can collectively agree is better.

For me, this article is a step in the right direction to help shift the culture surrounding the college process. I allowed myself to become vulnerable and admit to all of you that I was rejected, something that was decently hard for me to admit to peers when they asked. But if we all shift away from the narrative that rejection is the most embarrassing thing, it won’t feel as hard to take. So let me just say it again: I was rejected from the school of my dreams! 

 I can also say, I am learning to be proud of my peers’ success without pitying myself for not sharing this same achievement. So, what would happen if we could all take a step in this direction? The culture would shift; whether it is a slow or fast shift is beside the point, but more importantly: we have the power to shift the culture. 

Above all else, the senior class has been through a lot together, and I think we owe it to ourselves and to the grades after us to shift the culture. May we show the grades after us to be patient, to be loving to one another, to be resilient, to fight, to support. May we leave the School better than we found it, and help ensure that the grades following us will not make the same mistakes. 

We have overcome scandals, grade-wide division, a pandemic, failures from the administration to protect us, and failure from our fellow peers to do the same. We have lost touch with each other and turned our backs, but I urge us to turn back around. I urge us to text a peer we lost touch with, intentionally or unintentionally. I urge you to send someone a thank you for a moment that makes you smile. 

Take the small steps in changing the culture, even when it feels impossible. Remember that rejection sucks, but hey, I am still here and, well, remember that we are all in this together, even when it really does not feel like we are. And remember that we have control over much more than we seem to believe.