Breaking News: BC Calculus and AP Bio Aren’t Personality Traits

You may think you already know where this is going. Time to knock the self-righteous, braggy AP students – nay, more specifically BC Calc and AP Bio students – down as many pegs as possible. I hate to burst your bubble, but this is not satire. 

We are here today to praise those who have aimed for the highest intellectual challenges. To support our fellow classmates who are undeniably mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. To stand in solidarity with the students who Fern “would have enjoyed making fun of in high school.” 

Time for the thesis: yes, I’ll admit BC calculus and AP Bio are not personality traits – they’re a lifestyle.

In this essay, I will advocate for the choice to take the classes with the most commonly complained about, unmanageable workloads (excluding Enelow English).

For those who aren’t in-the-know, the extreme stress BC Calc and AP Bio students experience is truly life-changing and has influenced their character. They have honed skills they didn’t even know they had. For example, BC Calculus students have gained the ability to escape reality. They can make-believe that they are better than AB because they decided to give up on the A and aim high for a C.

I would be remiss if I did not refute the obvious attack on math people: when will we ever use calculus? To this I respond: nice try. Calculus has real world applications, ones only those in BC might understand. It has applications in Physics and Engineering, or two courses the average BC student should have taken instead. 

Granted, there are some downsides to the BC lifestyle. Some students have unfortunately begun to question their sanity. Senior Sophie Coutu stated, “Sometimes, I do think I’m going crazy. All I want is Fern’s approval, and yet, all the time he thinks I’m flipping him off. I swear I’m not, I swear!” 

As for those in AP Bio, students have learned the art of “fake it ‘till you make it.” While pretending they understand anything that happens, they somehow write entire lab reports and color-code their notes (if they want Dr. Brakeman’s approval). 

The AP bio grind has taught students good learning habits: “AP Bio has really taught me how to manage my time well. This week I was able to schedule in two additional mental breakdowns on top of all my schoolwork,” stated a struggling junior. 

At the same time, these students have incredible, distinguishing taste. Former AP Biology student Jalen Evans explained, “I wouldn’t say I’m pretentious at all. I just can’t speak to you if you don’t understand the difference between glycolysis and oxidative phosphorylation. It’s a personal preference, really.”

To further understand the experience of BC Calc and AP Bio-ers, we spoke to the source of their success. Both Fern and Dr. Brakeman had much to say about their students. 

In a riveting interview, Fern shared, “BC Calculus–what an interesting class, all nerds. I won’t say the students aren’t capable… I’d just say that I don’t really like them. Oh! Oh! Oh! Especially Duncan.” 

Meanwhile, Dr. Brakeman explained the very healthy mindset of her students: “They study, read, and do homework for hours daily – so dedicated. My students have learned to thrive in high-intensity environments. They enjoy the thrill of facing pop-quizzes and tests that are occasionally too long to be finished within the allotted time. Better yet, when the cards come out (if you know, you know), they almost seem nervous because they’re so excited.”

In the end, if you see an AP Bio student studying on the floor or if you overhear a BC student complaining yet again about the relentless pace, remind yourself that you are in the presence of either an extremely enthusiastic learner or a not-so-subtle flexer. Either way, feel free to ignore them. 🙂

… Oh and don’t even get me started on Multi-var.