Bridge to 2052: Mills College Announces Closure, Head-Royce Eyes New “Further South Campus”

Head of School Crystal Land revealed an updated version of the School’s “Master Plan” on Wednesday, April 1st. The plan lays out the School’s potential future property acquisitions — a new target in addition to the property across Lincoln Ave. purchased a decade ago under Crystal Land’s predecessor.

This has prompted the development of a new Master Plan — now called the Really Actually the Master Plan — replacing the Master Plan that was set to have been completed in 2022.  That Master Plan was actually the second Master Plan, as the School initially intended to complete the south campus building project in 2015.  But because construction still hasn’t started on this second Master Plan, the School has pushed its target date back slightly.  To 2052.

“It’s been hard, you know. The dang neighbors, the dang city, and their dang bureaucrats just really screwed us up,” said Land. However, she expressed optimism over the School’s decision, saying that “2052 is really just a hop, skip and a jump away. I wouldn’t call it a delay or a reset, just a small change of plans, that’s it.”

The plan, titled “A Tiny Hop Over to 2052,” includes a state of the art playground, equipped with the latest swing technology designed to hurl children almost twice as far as competing models. Although, the new swings are an exciting prospect, Land expects there to be technological advances by the time construction is completed. 

The plan also details a new-and-improved school nurse station, which, among other things, includes hyperbaric chambers for Kindergarteners who cannot catch their breath during physical education classes. “[The chambers] will hopefully help the Kindergarteners develop a love of learning,” said Lower School Head Lea Van Ness. “I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to pay attention in class with shortness of breath… you just can’t do it! This problem was definitely a priority for us to solve, and I think we might have done it!”

Until the plan is complete, the School will continue its ongoing capital campaign. “I hope that anyone able will consider donating to our fund, instead of putting in a down payment for that next Audi,” said Land. “These renovations will be expensive, but they will help us create more well-rounded individuals and allow us to provide the best education possible for the kids. It maybe won’t be your kids…or maybe even your kids’ kids, but a kid somewhere in time will indubitably benefit from your generosity.  And they will love learning.  Man, will they love it.” 

The announcement created a buzz amongst the remaining 3 faculty members on campus, with reactions ranging from excitement to “you’ve got to be kidding me.” Nevertheless, community members seemed appreciative for the glimpse into their school’s, albeit distant, future.