Dr. David “Lil’ Dave” Enelow Retires Early After 107 Years

After 107 years of rapping The Canterbury Tales, making obscure literary references, and reciting various books from memory, English teacher Dr. David Enelow is surprisingly retiring. He made his announcement on April 1st, shocking the entire School. 

When asked why he decided to retire so soon, Enelow said, “I fear I’m losing my touch. I can no longer return all papers to students minutes after I receive them!” Additionally, he feels disconnected from today’s students, who continue to use names when they should be using pronouns and do not seem to understand the necessity of the perfect transition phrase. “I can’t take a 107th year of students conflating ‘while’ and ‘however’. How hard is it to use them correctly?” he exclaims.

Additionally, he was disheartened by the lack of enthusiasm his Shakespeare class had for the Senior Play. “I really don’t think memorizing four pages of lines in one night is too much to ask,” he says. “I regularly rehearse the works of Shakespeare to help me fall asleep at night.” 

Enelow has plans for a very relaxing retirement. He will attend every Dodgers game in the near future, and has another casual goal: “After teaching the Bible, The Canterbury Tales, and The Odyssey for a few decades, I have found that no translation is perfect. Therefore, I hope to fine-tune my Ancient Greek, Hebrew, and Middle English, and retranslate all three books from their original language to English myself.” He adds that one of his key goals is to incorporate more comprehensive footnotes to better guide students as they read, saying, “If the footnotes take up less than 50% of the page, you’re barely scratching the surface of these texts.”

However, Enelow still plans on making his incredible writing knowledge available. He recently published his Writing Handbook, which has received immense praise from the literary community. It has become a New York Times Bestseller, has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize, and will soon be added to the Library of Congress.