New School Uniforms Bring Sense of Levity, Buoyancy to Spring Semester

With Hybrid off to a good start, the School administration will introduce one final adjustment for in-person learning following spring break: each student will receive a green or gold inflatable soccer bubble, mandatory attire thoughtfully color-coordinated with cohort weeks. 

Head of School Crystal Land shared the exciting news in a rare California-wide press conference, “these state-of-the-art wearables will help us ensure students keep six feet apart at all times, while keeping up with the latest style trends. We are so proud to be early adopters and that Head-Royce School is emerging as a leader in the Inflatable-Ed space.” 

Students will pick up their assigned bubble, essentially their new uniform, with their coordinating student ID number in order to be allowed on campus. At the end of each week, there will be a mandatory hunger games-inspired sporting event. Each cohort will designate two tributes from each grade to battle on the field, whoever knocks someone the farthest wins! Bonus points if they are sent flying into one of our neighbor’s backyards. The losing cohort will have to challenge the teachers the following week. Math teacher Warren Fernandes said, “Students aren’t going to know what hit them! I have secretly been training for this day instead of crossfit.”A loss to the teachers could be detrimental to students’ grades for years to come. 

The bubbles aren’t just a safety precaution, they are meant to bring a sense of levity and buoyancy to the School. The rules surrounding campus are changing drastically: all patios along with the gym, courts, and anywhere outside are fair game for bubble activities. If you want to wrestle friends, a suspension is no longer on the table. Bubble interactions are highly encouraged! 

Following an exclusive “faculty first look” at the inflatables last week, and an unfortunate tumble down the stairs, Drama teacher Andy Spear advised caution but maintained a positive tone, “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men helped put Andy back together again.” 

Now you may be asking, how will people walk down the hall? Hallways are being extended four feet wider to accommodate multiple bubbles at once. Teachers have also removed all valuables from their shelves so the bubbles don’t become wrecking balls. Additionally, there is no longer any need to sit in the uncomfortable ceramic chairs all day. Just lift your feet up and — boom! — a built-in bubble chair. 

For the techies in our student body, here’s a detailed look at some of the extended features. The bubbles have arm holes which unlock by a timer at the beginning of every class so students can use them to work, but relock after class finishes to keep arms from getting smashed. The bubbles come with a mask pocket to store extra clean masks. Space is limited inside the bubble, and adding a backpack to this new uniform would truly be a fashion faux pas. There is only room in the extra protective layer for a phone, computer, and headphones, nothing else. This might be a good time to start using your locker, if you remember where it is.

Each bubble has the ability to sense body temperature, so if you have a fever it will alert you and the nurse to prevent a possible COVID-19 outbreak. Along with a clock to prevent excuses for being late to class, each bubble comes with a proprietary heating and cooling system. Since the school is only using 15% of tuition from last year, they were able to invest in a crucial upgrade to the bubble: each comes with an emergency switch that deflates the suit in a matter of seconds in case getting somewhere fast, like the bathroom, is imminent. The basic model required a 20-minute deflate time and came with compostable bathroom bags. That would have been disgusting!

So, let’s get excited! Bubble try-on day will coincide with Covid-testing on the first day back from spring break. Be prepared, and bring your A-game.