PE Requirement is Real: Halted Graduation

In a recent set of events, students (seniors in particular) at the School have gone into shock after hearing from Coach Brendan Blakeley that the PE requirement does exist.

The news was announced on Thursday afternoon during assembly in front of the entire Upper School. When Blakeley stood up, willingly using the microphone for the first time ever, everyone knew something serious was up. In a serious and quiet tone, Blakeley announced that students would need to fulfill their very real PE requirement while avoiding the panicked and angry eyes of all upperclassmen. 

As he made his announcement, gasps of shock could be heard around the auditorium. Tears trickled down students’ cheeks. Many students had to swiftly excuse themselves from the meeting. A few were even wheeled off on stretchers by paramedics after going into cardiac arrest.

Luckily, the senior class had just been trained in CPR the week prior (another previously unknown graduation requirement), so students were able to conduct lifesaving procedures on their distressed classmates. 

With anxiety running high, Dean and health teacher Hannah Niles and the counselors have been flooded with students. Niles says her classroom has been even more packed than usual, but not with peer health educators (they seem to be faring best of everyone), and instead with panic-stricken students, trying to convince her to unlock the door to the exercise room.

As for the counselors, the School is unfortunately still only willing to have them come in twice a week, so students have resorted to ranting to their other teachers. 

A record number of 75 senior absences were recorded the following day, none of which were even due to senioritis. Administrators believe that many missing students were out trying to fulfill their PE requirements in light of the news. A large number of parents have reported seeing their students up in the wee hours of the morning with newfound motivation — a need to graduate. 

The college counselors are also facing high levels of stress, as many colleges are reaching out to them with threats of possibly rescinding acceptances. They met with the 20 present seniors on Friday morning to let them know that only around two students were “on the boat,” several were treading water, and the rest were drowning. 

As May 1st approaches, we hope you’ll join us in a solemn prayer for the class of 2024, as they fight a battle unlike any before. Please remember to be a supportive friend to your senior comrades in these difficult times. And if you see a senior out running, please hand them a water bottle and encourage them to keep going. There are still enough hours left in the semester that if they run fast, they may still make it.