Physics Duo vonK and Harper Retire to Elope: What in the Wattpad??? 

As many students know, physics teachers Owen von Kugelgen and Chris Harper have worked at the School for a combined 53+ years. With the recent announcement of their retirement, suspicions have grown that they are leaving to elope together.

Not many students know about the fiery romance that has stewed in the physics department for the past 20 years, but that does not mean it should be overlooked. The love between vonK and Harper sparked in Room 513 on April 1, 1969. It was the moment when a tall giraffe-like vonK knocked over a beaker when love at first sight became a proven phenomenon. Lucky for vonK, little Harper was standing beneath him to catch the beaker. 

They locked eyes, and a flame ignited––chemical attraction, almost. Harper said, “vonK, you dropped a beaker,” and reached out to grab it. Timidly, vonK blushed and self-consciously looked away. Ever since that moment, their bond has only grown. 

The following week while exchanging papers to grade, vonK asked Harper for a pencil. Harper grabbed his sparkliest and hottest pink pencil and handed it to vonK. Harper said, “Good morning Mr. vonK.” And vonK replied, “Good morning, Mr. Harper.” “Welcome back,” said Harper. “Glad to be back,” replied vonK. “Glad to have you back,” said Harper. 

As Harper handed vonK the pencil, their pinky fingers slightly brushed each other, and they locked eyes once again. Harper’s heart began to accelerate with greater force, and the velocity of his heart grew rapidly. Then inertia kicked in; his breath quickened. A flustered feeling came upon him. He wondered if his reaction would have an equal and opposite reaction. This entropic feeling lasted for an entire year. The spark of heat between them overcame his heart, led to friction, and consumed him: “Why won’t these butterflies go away?” 

The next morning, while packing his briefcase for work, Harper had an idea: “If I forget my pencil tomorrow, I can ask vonK for one. It is the perfect excuse to talk to him,” he thought to himself.

A few decades passed, and vonK and Harper fell deeply in love; there is no equation to measure the depth of love they have for each other. Their love is now a Venn diagram-perfect romance. They leave pink sticky notes (Harper’s favorite color) with devious messages on them to bring each other happiness after a long day of teaching. Even after seeing each other every day at work, they have decided that they need more time together. After many long, hard discussions, they have decided they are going to retire, coincidentally, in the same year, which is all we need to confirm the suspicions.

Students at the School wish them the best of luck in their next chapter together. After all, the force of their love, directly proportional to their combined mass and acceleration, has carried on for decades. Even if there was no gravity on earth, vonK and Harper would still have fallen for each other.