South Campus is Done!

After years of waiting, the South Campus is finally complete! Through consistent and dedicated planning with the Oakland City Council and the School’s ambassadors, the School is confident that they have appropriately used the students’ tuition and resources. The South Campus ribbon-cutting ceremony, however, went unexpectedly. As Rachel Skiffer, Head of School, cut the red ribbon in front of the new south campus, shock rang across the crowd. The South campus was not the academic institution the School had promised, a giant waterpark and play structure had been opened instead.

Although many students hoped for new classrooms and studio buildings with state-of-the-art technology, the School concluded that this alternative was the most efficient and effective use of the land and money. Featuring seven massive waterslides, an entire swing complex, and a half-mile monkey bar stretch, the South Campus is one to boast about. The School had also collaborated with the Oakland Zoo to enroll some pigs at Head Royce. These pigs even got free boarding! They are living a luxurious life, constantly bathing in the giant pool. The South Campus is officially the largest playground and waterpark in all of the Bay Area. Now that’s a noteworthy record that is far more important than new classrooms. 

Skiffer says that “more school spirit is needed, so this feels like the necessary addition to campus to foster a playful nature among students.” She adds, “I know we promised we wouldn’t use tuition money to build the South Campus. However, this is an extremely adequate use of tuition money, and I can’t see how anyone could complain.” 

Skiffer then elaborated on the rise in tuition, “Yes, I know making tuition a million dollars a year seems steep. But everyone just needs to calm down. This money is going to a great cause! And now every student gets access to a waterpark, giant play structure, and new animal companions!”

Besides the complaints about tuition, the community seems to be really happy with the new South Campus. This new South Campus is so amazing that the neighbors have put their anger aside and become the founders of the first-ever South Campus fan club! The neighbors love the constant sound of water splashes, pigs oinking, and children shrieking. 

The biggest fans of the new South Campus, however, are the newly enrolled students. Pig student Oinky McOinkerface, says, “I love the new South Campus. I’ve learned so much from swimming in the swimming pools all day. And my new classmates are so kind! I have so many new friends and together we founded a new affinity group here at Head-Royce. We’re the Pig Student Alliance (PSA) and we have felt so loved and supported here on the new South campus. The millions of dollars I’m spending on tuition have been so worth it. I’ve been having so much fun and learning so much”

This new South Campus has buried old grudges, brought the community closer than ever, and made the School richer. What more could anyone want? Sure a million dollars a year is a lot of money, but you can’t put a price on joy.