South Campus Project Goes South: Canceled Due to Haunting 

In a turn of events that surprised absolutely no one, School officials revealed that their long-awaited South Campus project will once again be delayed, this time until the year 3020. 

While postponing until 3020 may seem extreme, it was certainly expected given the previous trend of delays. In their announcement, the South Campus planning committee said the city inspectors claimed their buildings were not up to code, setting construction back for a millennium. Sources close to the project, however, contest that this is not the case and that the real reason for the delay is that the buildings are haunted. 

The sources report that they initially noticed paranormal activity in 2019 when building inspectors were repeatedly knocked off their ladders while they checked the structural integrity of the buildings. Since then, the School has brought in paranormal experts, attempted exorcisms, and even tried using holy water to expel the ghosts. 

Admittedly, none of these methods have worked, and the School has allegedly resorted to watching Ghostbusters for ideas to solve the problem. The administration has even promoted new work-study jobs and community engagement opportunities for students to help remove the ghosts “to promote bonding and community.” 

The delay has understandably disappointed students and faculty alike, but the administration assures us it will be worth the wait, even if we’re all dead by the time it’s finished. One administrator assured a crowd of frustrated parents, saying, “We know that waiting over 900 years is a long time, but we believe that the new campus will be worth the wait.” 

Students, however, have begun considering alternate uses for the space. One student comments, “We’re all gonna be dead by the time it’s finished anyways, so they should build us a lovely mausoleum instead. At least then we’d actually be able to use it.” Another student says, “If the tuition is not too expensive, maybe I’ll haunt the South Campus after I die.” 

On the other hand, neighbors rejoiced at the news. One neighbor, a passionate advocate against the School’s expansion, says, “Looks like Head-Royce is taking a page from the ancient Egyptians, taking a thousand years to build something that no one really wants.” 

It remains to be seen if the South Campus will simply be like Santa Claus, something adults tell us is real but we’ll never see for ourselves, or if it will actually be built. But don’t worry, students, the administration assures us that they’ll definitely have it done in time for your great-great-great-great-grandchildren to attend. So mark your calendars for the year 3020!