VonK Returns to Lacrosse

Owen von Kugelgen stepped in to save the Head-Royce men’s lacrosse team, as they were short many players. They were short, the team, and von K, as many have noted, is very tall.   Only two more players were needed to meet the minimum roster number, and luckily von Kugelgen decided to relive his lacrosse glory days and save the team. Athletic Director Brendan Blakeley explained that von Kugelgen counted as both players because “well, he’s really tall.  Not as tall as his brothers, but still.” von Kugelgen explained that he was willing to give up his physics teaching as this year’s new crop of freshmen were disappointing and “never turned their cameras on.” This year, he felt, lacrosse was a much better use of his physics knowledge. 

Simultaneously playing midfield, attack, and goalie, von Kugelgen has become a menace on the team. Pent up anger from uncooperative technology and students who just won’t turn in their goshdarn homework helped to fuel von K’s fiery aggression. 

If you’re wondering about the legality of a grown man playing on a high school sports team, have no fear. Von K has been able to easily surpass any suspicious refs or coaches by speaking in a falsetto tone during warmups and learning the new Gen-Z slang. “Playing on the lacrosse team again has been pretty bussin!” von Kugelgen excitedly exclaimed after physically pulverizing two opposing players. We wish the men’s lacrosse team the best of luck on the rest of their season!