Educators Exposed: Teachers Caught Red-handed

Breaking news! We at The Hawk’s Eye have uncovered a series of despicable conspiracies surrounding some beloved members of our community, and we feel the need as responsible journalists to share these findings with the public.

First off, we spotted history teacher Paul Scott drinking a two-liter bottle of Pepsi in the F Lot, despite his proclaimed fierce disdain for soda. When confronted, he drove off in a panic, leaving tire streaks behind. When our reporters followed him, they caught him red-handed in Safeway buying even more soda and a full arsenal of Hostess snack cakes. “Unbelievable!” says an anonymous senior in his Home Economics class. “He’s always disappointed when we bring in sugary snacks, but he was eating them all along?”

Then last Monday, a trustworthy source snapped photos of biology teacher Eugene Vann littering on the patio. According to the source, he “was actively scattering trash around, laughing to himself,” which perturbed not only the patio pigeons but student onlookers as well. Who would have guessed?

History teacher Dr. Morgan Guzmán has admitted to paying her student TAs in stickers rather than actual currency, and is attempting to argue that doing so “subverts capitalism.” As colorful and joyful as the stickers are, the TAs are not impressed and are insisting on better wages. In a similar vein, I-Search TAs are on the brink of a strike over the revelation that the English 9 teachers will be paying them in old copies of Macbeth. 

And finally, Expos advisor and beloved English teacher Andy Spear was spotted last Thursday night copying his poetry from SparkNotes at a local Starbucks. The scandal! When our brave reporters confronted him, he admitted he’s never written any poetry in his life and “actively dislikes the medium.” His poetry students were distraught, with one particularly ardent critic saying, “I can’t believe this! No wonder he always knows when I copy from SparkNotes!”

So what can we learn from these revelations? The School has some of the most deceitful and conniving teachers known to humanity, and we would do well not to take them at their word!